1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
