so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
