Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
