nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
