its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
