Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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