Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize