I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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