stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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