I am in a vortex of obligation.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize