This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
