I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
