They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Randomize
