I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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