he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
