apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
