just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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