eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
