dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize