remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
