Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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