a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize