I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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