so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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