Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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