Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
