They should really pass out barf bags in church
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
