I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
