I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
