If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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