Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
