I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
no. you can't hotbox the world.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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