i already hear my dad disowning me
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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