glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
