I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
