just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
