at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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