Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
