In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
