Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
