Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
