if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Who died my cat blue again?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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