Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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