Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
