Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
