mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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