I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
