Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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