So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Rumble strips road head = magical
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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