I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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