Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
