Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
