Pregnant stripper...not hot.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
