I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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