Where is the hickey?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
At least life still wants to fuck me.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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