You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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