I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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