we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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