I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
